Blithe Bereavement - Prologue

hi i thought you did a great job! you have a great sense of humor. i loved the way Death felted like he would be so involved with Ebony's death and the pink robe was funny.
I hope to see more of your work
~peanut~

Your death is really different from mine that's true.


That was so funny.

But now to the reviewing:

I didn't really find anything to make better... but one thing about the story kept nudging me... no not the story itself.. but the way it was presented... Why is the a paragraph for every line????
AAARGH!!!

But you could have told us a bit more about death than that he (or is it a she? I'll stick with he) had a pink robe.


Otherwise, perfect.

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LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE

Thanks Everyone, for all the great comments!

Kaylyn - Thanks for the feedback. I stuck the period in there and I'll fix the 'OMG' thing. The one thing I disagree with is the number statement thing. I'm pretty sure that the rule is if the number is higher then ten or twenty, you can write it in numrical form. If that is incorrect, then at the very least I know that dates can be written in numricle form. Otherwise my paragraph would sound like...

Only three people in my one-thousand-three-hundred-and-forty years of work have ever said anything interesting to me after finding out that they were dead. The first was a man named Albert. Albert Einstein. He looked at me and said, "WELL! It's about time. Come on then, lets get on with the show!". That amused me. The second was a man who lived in the nineties. He asked me for a cigarette. I tried not too, but I ended up laughing in his face. I tried to explain that he was DEAD. He asked again. And of course, the third was Ebony.

In any other situation I would agree with you, but I think I'm going to keep it as it is. Thanks for taking the time to critique though! I'm glad you enjoyed it otherwise

I can not tell you how boring it gets being Death

No one EVER just calls you to say "Hi". Not even those annoying salesmen. Just once, I’d


like to answer the phone and be able to yell “I DON’T WANNA BUY ANYTHING!!!“ You humans seem to


take such joy in that. When I was alive, phones were not invented yet, and it would be rather difficult to


yell into a phone in my current condition. A human might see me and start screaming their lil‘ head


off, and then the Clean Up Crew would have to be called in, and the Boss would be alerted…no, no


phone calls for me.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t really have anything against you humans, but honestly!


You really just can't stay alive! Every time I turn around another one kicks the bucket! I don't get one


minute of sleep. That’s why I look so cranky all the time. You would be too if it had been a century


since your last nap. But I digress.

I did not come here to talk about me. I came here to talk about a Miss Ebony Blithe. I


knew she was different. The moment she died I felt it. A tingle, running up my spine, a temporary loss


of breath. I knew then, that she was the Imprinted. The heir to the High Death throne. At first, I could


not believe it. She was really nothing special. Simple black hair. Green eyes. She looked of normal


height, though it was hard to tell with her laying down. Her skin was pale with agony, and when I arrived


her breath was at its last struggle for life. I was anxious for her to die and get it over with. The


explaining of death is so tedious.

Ah. That reminds me of the whole reason I agreed to do this prologue fiasco. If you'll all


excuse me for one moment, let me just say one thing. When you die, your spirit will rise up out of your


body. At first you will look around, see your body, and then see me. After you complete this simple


motion, please, please, PLEASE make your first question an intelligent one. I am very, very sick of all


the morons. About 30% percent of you scream, 20% percent refuse to believe your dead, 40% babble


or say nothing at all and 10% percent ask stupid questions.

"Whoa, who are you?" No freakin’ duh.



"OMGEE am I dead?" No freakin’ duh.

DUUUUDE are you GOD?" .........I had nothing to say to that one. I mean, really! Only


three people in my 1340 years of work have ever said anything interesting to me after finding out that


they were dead. The first was a man named Albert. Albert Einstein. He looked at me and said, "WELL!


It's about time. Come on then, lets get on with the show!". That amused me. The second was a man


who lived in the 90's. He asked me for a cigarette. I tried not too, but I ended up laughing in his face.


I tried to explain that he was DEAD. He asked again. And of course, the third was Ebony.

She just stood there for a moment. Glanced down at her still body, up at me, and then


down to her glowing hands. I was sure for a moment that she was going to be one of those who says


nothing. But then she looked up at me, and asked me a question I will never forget.

"Um, what’s with the pink robe?" she asked, not a flicker of fear reflected in her eyes.

" I like pink." I replied, simply, after a stunned second. She merely nodded, excepting the


fact that all your stereotypes about Death are wrong.


After a moment of merely staring at each other, I realized that this silence was


an awkward one. I cleared my throat.


“Ebony Renowna Blithe, I am Death, and I am here to escort you to - What?” I asked,


offended when she started laughing. No one has EVER laughed at me. I stared at this girl, for the first


time in my career speechless. Ebony showed no sign of fear as she laughed in the face of Death.

I love how you personified Death as some kind of disgruntled employee kind of guy. Kind of like Terry Pratchet. I also liked how he named off the other two people who made him laugh throughout his career. The last line was the best, though.

I can't see anything wrong with it, so I'll just leave you to your writing.

Really really good!

It completely drew me in- and I find it hard to get pulled into stories on the internet to read them through so it must be good.

I didn't really see anything wrong with it- but I'm not good at picking that stuff out. But I'm off to read some more of it now.

Well done.

Loved your post, only the reason I am reading this one is because I have read them out of order. I hate doing that but yours was just too interesting to pass by. It is very amusing. And I love the last line also. You have a great sense of humor, and I love when you incorporate it into your books. Great job, I found no grammar mistakes that jumped out and slapped me in the face. But then again, I don't look for grammar mistakes. It had to be major for me to notice it. Good luck with your writing, and let me know when you get more out!

Hello and welcome to YWS. I am Maki-chan and I will be doing your review. i have one word to say to you... AWSOME!!!!! This was a really great prologue. The way you made 'death' narriate about what was going to happen was really interesting. It was actually quite funny, and really drew me into the story. i especially liked the ending, and I can't wait to read more about Ebony. She seems like a very interesting character. I will read chapter 1. So see ya then ^_^

Hello, don't think I've seen you 'round these parts before. Welcome to YWS!! *tumbleweed floats across the ground*
Okay well anyways, I liked this! Its bordering on the been done line but you can make this your own I know it! I like how you have death have his ramblings and how you clear up all the stereotypes. I didn't see any mistakes but if someone else finds some know that I never actually critique on grammar and spelling because that doesn't count. Its all about the content. I loved the ending line. It was just so perfect and poetic at the same time. I see you have the next part posted. I'll check it out sometime.
Keep Writing,
-Angel